Humour

'Accountancy Humour' No that is not an oxymoron like 'Microsoft Works'! We just thought we would share some of the best accountant jokes we have heard at Meades and Co. Please feel free to share a joke if you have heard better… Meanwhile something to keep you smiling next time a brown envelope appears.

The accountant read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach, with a quizzical expression, she asks:

"Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbour:

"This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".

"Where did you get this exact information?"

"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd: "I will bet you £ 100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."

The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.

"973" says the man.

The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I am a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation. " Man says sure.

"You are an accountant with a Big Six firm," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Why do accountants make good lovers?

They're great with figures.

One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical "underlying assumptions" in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, "What would Economics be without assumptions?"

He thought for a moment, then replied, "Accounting."

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 16 stone, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 17 stone, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."

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If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?

"Darling, could you tell me about your work."

A man lands on a hot air balloon in the middle of the desert, not knowing his whereabouts he looks around. Along walks another guy so the balloon man asks "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

"Sure" says the other one "longitude 23'45", latitude 34'12".

"Oh," says the balloon man, "you must be accountant"

"As a matter of fact, I am, how did you know?"

"Well, you just gave me a very precise piece of worthless information."

"I see" says the accountant "and you must be a consultant."

"You are right, how did you know?"

"As long as you're up in the air, you seem to know where you're going, but as soon as you get down to earth, you're lost."

While waiting to board a plane in a small airport, a ticket agent said on the paging system:

"Would the accountant, who dropped his pants, please return to the ticket counter?"

After a slight pause, the same voice added, "The pants were on a hanger!"

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."

The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."

The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I am glad that we discussed this important question.

The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."

The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

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What is the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

An auditor is hard at work, auditing an airline. The auditor cannot understand the excess fuel consumption on a Detroit to Erie route, for flight no. 420. The auditor calls the pilot and demands an explanation. The pilot replies "It was a late night, snow storm was raging, and I lost my bearings."

The auditor demands a statement, "for what?" the pilot asks. The auditor tells him "for lost bearings."

The auditors have taken an inventory of thermometers held in a warehouse, in summer. The thermometers will be exported out of the country in January, and are kept under lock and key. In December, auditors ask management to redo the inventory count. The management is surprised "Why? Nothing has changed." Auditors tell them "The inventory is overstated, in summer there is more mercury in the thermometers."

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.

What's an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?

They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

The accountant knows he is boring.

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To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?

He doesn't wear a tie and comes in after 8am.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?

Not filling out the guest comment card.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

"What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter.

"Public Practitioner," is the reply.

"Name?"

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

"Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter.

"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight"

"No, that's impossible."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."

Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn't find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn't produce it.

"What's wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.

She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts.

"I can't find a dividend," she said and started crying again.

"Don't worry," said the creature. "I can find you one."

"How?" said the oil company, "And who are you?"

"I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you."

"Yes, yes!" she said, anxious only to get the dividend.

The accountant disappeared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tut ting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers. "I've found you a dividend," he said.

Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed. The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before.

"I know what you're thinking," smiled the accountant. "You're quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre." "Then change back!" said the oil company, clapping her hands.

"Are you crazy?" said the accountant. "Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold."

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?

Because they can wear casual clothes to work.

Budget: a very detailed means to show how you are living beyond your means.

Why won't sharks attack tax inspectors? Professional courtesy.

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